9 2: Starstruck literally and figuratively
by StupidSequel
Summary: All the stitchpunks are back in an all new comedy adventure involving time travel, aliens, a game of baseball, and of course, division by zero. Featuring a happy ending.


**9 2: Starstruck (literally and figuratively)**

(This sequel is live action and mood whiplash so severe it knocks your head off cause there's no headrest and the acceleration rate is too high. All the stitchpunks are portrayed by sexy female models/cheerleaders wearing bikinis and brown paper grocery bags with their corresponding number written on them. 1 is wearing a cowboy hat, daisy dukes, and cowboy boots).

9 was hungry one day. He did not see anything good to eat. He spied the talisman off to his left. He remembered that sad day in September (the ninth) when a few of his posse died. So he put the talisman in his mouth and gulped it down into his gullet. A second later he gagged and then vomited. The stitchpunks who died at the end were regurgitated out of 9.

"Hey, we're back!" 1 cheered. "And it looks like the whole gang is here, 1 thru 9." 1 looked troubled. "WHY DID I HAVE TO SACRIFICE MYSELF! STUPID DOUBLE ENTENDRE!"

"Double entendre?" 5 was confused. "That's what she said? But I don't think anyone here said a sex joke."

"He means 'sometimes one must be sacrificed for the good of the group.' His name is 1 and he died in the last movie thing, dummy," 9 elaborated, and then conked 5 on the head with a baseball bat. It made a stock cartoon sound effect.

"No more double entendres. From now on, you all will call me Femzelgoof, cause that's my new name. Ya hear me, dawgs?" 1 announced. Everyone nodded. "Now, first order of business. As you all know, 8 is fat and desperately needs to go on a diet. We need to help him make good food choices and teach him awesomeful workout routines." (Since everyone is played by fit models in bikinis, no one is fat, but the plot calls for 8 to be fat. Very awkward).

"Objection! I refuse to go on this diet, Mister Adolf Femzelgoof," 8 protested.

"Why the hell not?" Femzelgoof challenged, his tone cold and threatening.

"I eat whatever the hell I want," 8 said defiantly. 1 stamped his staff on the ground angrily.

"I have gotten this stick extended, so that I can look more domineering!" Femzelgoof growled.

"That's what she said!" 9 chuckled, and then 5 high-fived him.

"Hey everyone, 8 is so fat, he don't need to go on a diet. Ya know why? Cuz all the body fat is so heavy, it'll slide out his ass!" All the stitchpunks, save for 8, erupted in laughter. 8 pelted off in search of a fast food restaurant, but then remembered it was a post-apocalyptic world, so no dice. He could find no good food to eat, ever, anywhere. He galloped back to the stitchpunks.

"Hey, 6, can you build me a time machine? I need to go back in time to when food was plentiful."

"Sorry 8, but I need some kind of incentive, cause I don't have the intensive focusing abilities associated with Asperger's. Come back when you give me a virus for Asperger's." 6 said that last part jokingly.

"I'll pay you 45 threadkills," 8 offered. (Threadkills are the unit of currency they use.) 6 sighed, then he agreed. He built it in a matter of seconds, but to him, it felt more like 230 years. What? Let me clarify. When he finally figured out how to build it long after all the stitchpunks died, he finally built it, then traveled back in time to when this story takes place and worked quickly with the knowledge he had of building it. At last it was finished. 8 climbed in and read through the instruction manual. He vanished in a cloud of neon green smoke.

8 found himself in Hollywood. The date was April 1, 2010. _Gotta find some food that actually tastes good so I can cheat on this "diet" thingy. _He found himself on the edge of a cliff, with a lard factory directly beneath him. Some fat muscly armed guy wearing a tank top was driving a lorry straight at him. 8 jumped out of the way. Good news? He didn't get hit by the lorry. Bad news? He found himself falling, falling, falling!

He found himself in a tub of lard in one of the aforementioned lard factories. He ate a bunch of it because he was so hungry. _This is more addicting than nicotine! _He thought he must have eaten enough lard to fill 25 Olympic sized swimming pools. He was so fat, if you looked at him from a distance, he looked like a disc (they had to use computer-generated special effects for that.) He could not move. He had so much lard inside him, it was only a matter of time until...

Before I finished that sentence, all the lard that was in him came gushing out his asshole. 8 went into the mens' restroom and admired his new, thin body in the mirror. Something bugged him. No, I don't mean 'bug' as in 'another word for insect.' I mean something bothered him. He was thin as in skinny. He had poor muscle tone. He knew he had to work out seriously.

He went into a rec center and participated in a class full of people doing Pilates workouts. One of the girls here tugged at his heart strings. She was pretty and fit looking. She had long blonde hair, perfect skin, and the most beautiful pi balled face. She had a green eye and a pink eye. 8 stared at her and did his Pilates routines at the same time. He remembered that it was April 1st, and a thought trail led him to remember that that was... (drum roll, please) APRIL FOOL'S DAY! Why is this important? You'll see.

"Hey, Calpurnia, you don't want to go out with me," 8 said. He somehow knew her name without her telling him.

"I know," she replied.

"APRIL FOOLS!" 8 shouted as if singing John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

"Wow, you fooled me. If you say 'April Fools' at something, it must NOT have been true. I will go out with you even though I thought I didn't want to," the words pelted out of a hole in Calpurnia's head, the one right below the nose. They held hands. They held their faces close together, lips puckered, about to kiss, and then 8 started to vanish. He found himself in the present.

"Wow, I see you lost weight and you look healthier than ever," 6 commented. 8 blushed. He was sad to live so many years after his love probably died long, long ago. He remembered about 3 and 4's ability to project video images from their eyes. Maybe they can show him. He tapped 3 and 4 on the shoulder.

"Can you show me a video of Calpurnia-" and then revealed her last name, and he continued. "Of Hollywood, California?" 3 and 4 were clueless. "She looks like," he was lost in thought. He remembered, but he didn't know how to explain. Guess the narrator is smarter than the characters. Go me! "Oh, I give up. I can't explain. Hey, does everyone wanna play a game of baseball?" Everyone nodded, even Femzelgoof, and then organized into a single team. Who were they playing? You'll see.

"LISTEN. UP!" Femzelgoof bellowed. "Since we can't form two teams, you each make up an imaginary friend and it shall be us stitchpunks versus our imaginary counterparts. 6, build us a machine that turns imaginary friends into tangible entities, since you're the one with the Asperger's."

"I AM NOT AN ASPIE!" 6 protested. He then got to work on his machine.

"The rest of us will practice pitches and swings," Femzelgoof ordered. 5 closed and opened his single eye real quick.

"Did you just blink or wink?" 9 asked. 5 shrugged. Everyone practiced playing baseball while 6 was preparing said machine. 6 got the machine working in a matter of seconds, thanks to his time machine, which he used to travel forward in time to when the machine was finished so he could learn how he did it. Everyone was thinking real hard. Just then, 9 people walked out of the machine. They were 10 thru 18.

"Play ball!" 1 yelled, then joined the team 1-9. 1-9 and 10-18 were separate teams. 17 was up to bat. 6 threw the ball as hard as he could. He missed it. Strike 1.

"You throw like an aspie!" 17 teased.

"I AM NOT AN ASPIE, AND THERE IS NO PARTICULAR GENERAL WAY ASPIES THROW!" 6 yelled.

"You're the one with the Asperger's virus. You would say something like that." 6 ignored him and pitched again. Strike two. 6 missed again and there was a new inning. 8 was feeling and looking strong. He was impatient for his turn to bat. After 1, 5, 9, and 7 went up to bat (7 got a home run), 6 was up. 8 was glimmering with excitement because he was next in line. 17 was pitching. 6 swung the bat and missed.

"Dude, that Asperger's virus is affecting your swinging ability too! Better take your temperature." 17 teased.

"Asperger's is NOT a disease, just a neurological condition!" 6 snapped.

"That's what they all say," 17 said.

"WHO IMAGINED THIS ASSHOLE 17?" 6 demanded.

"I did," 9 confessed. "We all imagined people who are jerkasses because it would make the game more interesting for spectators."

"WHAT SPECTATORS? THERE ARE NO OTHER PEOPLE HERE! IT'S A POST APOCALYPTIC WORLD, YOU CLOUD CUCKOO-LANDER!"

"I mean if there were spectators, they would be entertained. How do you know some cockroach didn't survive the nuclear Holocaust and spying on us right now? And 6, your imaginary friend is such a pansy." 6's imaginary friend was 13.

"CAN YOU GUYS HURRY UP SO IT CAN BE MY TURN TO BAT?" 8 cried angrily. 6 finally hit the ball after strike 2, and he got a home run. The look on 17's face was priceless. Finally it was 8's turn. 17 threw the ball at a parabola of y=-1/8x^2, or if you're not a math nerd, he just simply threw it hard and low. 8, with his massive strength from Pilates, hit the ball with a deafening crack. They all watched the ball blast off again like Team Rocket in awe. They never saw it come down. A while later, they heard the sound of glass shattering from up above.

"Well, we can't finish the game since there's no ball," Femzelgoof commented. A huge glass shard came down and landed on 9, brutally mutilating him. 9 was dead.

"No!" Femzelgoof whispered. 1 thru 8 were mourning 9's death. A spaceship landed at their feet without warning. Two or three alien creatures popped out, with a possibly angry look on their faces. I say 'probably' because I can't read the facial expressions of aliens (The aliens are played by muscular black guys with Mohawks, bling-blings, saggy jeans, deely boppers, and sunglasses).

"YOU KILLED OUR FRIEND. YOU MUST PAY!" 7 snarled.

"Huh, that's weird. This glass is supposed to be unbreakable. I guess it was due to the star that the baseball bounced off of, causing the windshield to expand and shatter due to the heat transference," one of the aliens guessed. "And it is YOU who must pay, for you were the ones who shattered our windshield." The chief alien escorted them onto the spaceship, ray gun pointed at them. "You will do chores for us or be shot to death!"

"I promise that none will be sacrificed," Femzelgoof promised. They walked in on crappy teen pop music playing. A stitchpunk they'd never seen before was dancing to the groove. He had the number zero on him.

"Your first chore is to kill zero. I'm tired of listening to that damn radio everyday, listening to the same 3 songs every minute!" What a strange order, to tell someone to kill someone, and I don't think it would exactly count as a chore. Femzelgoof got that scary look in his eye.

"This is for having that spaceship high in the sky while we play baseball, killing our friend with your windshield that we accidentally broke!" Femzelgoof grabbed a dagger and stabbed zero.

"Dammit, should have changed my name too to avoid the double entendre," 0 choked, then plopped on the floor, dead. Femzelgoof was thinking he meant "that's what she said."

"You would kill your own kind? It's not enough to kill 9, but you also kill 0?" the chief alien scolded. "I did not mean literally kill him. Did you not see the Wii with the tennis game on? I meant kill him in that game. Beating him in a Wii tennis match would shut him up for good. I'm so stupid for forgetting that part entirely! Guess we'll just have to move on." The lights went out. "Oh, for the love of- hey, would you mind pulling that lever to turn on the back-up generator?" Everyone agreed because their hands were tied. 1 thru 8 tugged the lever as hard as they could. It almost budged.

"it's like trying to move a beach whale. Oh, we need a ninth guy, but 9 is dead! Goodbye, world," 2 wailed. The chief alien pulled out his ray gun, then he reconsidered.

"It looks like you need a ninth person. If you can somehow bring 0 back to life, I'll let you live." the chief alien ordered. "Also, it'll be enough work to earn $153.00, which is how much a windshield costs." 9 had an idea.

"You know how math teachers tell you you can't divide by zero?" 9 whispered to everyone. "Well, I''ll try to."

"Be careful, 9. Don't screw up," Femzelgoof called. 9 got a syringe and injected himself with cell DNA. He stood next to 0's body and began to split up like a cell.

"Oh my God! He's doing it!" 6 said in astonishment.

"That's what she said," said 8.

"I meant he's dividing by zero, dumb-ass!" 6 scolded. A huge gaping rift in the universe opened up. (If you've seen Futurama: the Beast with a Billion Backs, it was a bit like that). 0 came back to life. 8 noticed something familiar about 0.

"Eureka! You're Calpurnia, the girl from Hollywood, aren't you?" 0 nodded.

"Yes. My soul inhabits the body of this stitchpunk. These aliens captured me because they needed someone to fly with them all over the universe because they can't get a girlfriend ever. They're radio Nazis. They insist on rap and crunk core, I insist on teen pop. From time to time, we just stand up and play Wii Tennis. I hate it here. I wanna run away together with you, 8. Will you join me in my castle?" 8 nodded. 0 helped 1-8 pull the lever to turn on the back-up generator.

While 8 and 0 were escaping to 0's castle in the escape pod, 1 thru 7 and 9 went to "The Game" Stop to go get a new windshield for the spaceship as well as a free Playstation 4. They had gotten both of those things (the windshield was super heavy) and paid the $153 they were given for bringing 0 back to life thanks to 9's courage to try something that had never been done before. They had installed it by applying glue sticks all around the edges. Their mission was complete.

"We wanna stay here for life," 9 and 1-7 all said in unison. "You have a Wii, and the PS4 we got was just a picture of a PS3 with the number 4 photo-shopped on it. Ugh!" 2 said.

"Very well," the chief alien decided. So the stitchpunks helped the aliens with their duties and played Wii for life.

Meanwhile, 0 and 8 had moved into a castle that must have made the Great Wall of China seem tiny by comparison. 0 turned on the radio, listening to teen pop.

"I love you," they each said to each other. They lived in the castle together, happily ever after.


End file.
